The Ultimate Online Political Debate Translation Guide

I debate a lot online. I find it to be an excellent mental exercise, and I think it helps me from becoming an arrogant jackass.

Well, for the most part. See, I've been doing this for a decade of my life (literally - excuse me while I go cry about that. Okay! Back!). And as such, I've gotten so accustomed to certain patterns that happen during online debates, certain things that are said and certain reactions that accompany them, that I've started to fall into a bad pattern myself, and that is reading something completely different then what my sparring partner wrote. Perhaps this is a scientific experiment, perhaps it is just my being bored and amusing myself. I leave it to you, dear reader, to gauge if these interpretations are legitimate or not. Or at the very least, enjoy reading them, because we all know that one guy, right?

"I've given up on politics/I don't vote/The game is rigged/Both parties are the same"

I really have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, but I really want you to believe that I do because it makes me look cool at cocktail parties.

"I only vote for the [insert fringe political flavor of the year here] party because I think we need to shake things up"

I have so much systematic privilege that I can treat politics as a joke or social experiment. Ha ha, fuck you, poors.

"Politics is just too hostile and cynical these days"

I don't really see why I should give any fucks about the forces shaping my society when it gives me a sad and The Kardashians are on.

"I don't believe in censorship/I support the 1st amendment!"

There has to be something illegal about you hurting my feelings

"I have thick skin"

I'm going to pretend that I'm really irreverent so that I can be really insulting to you. But the second you say something mildly upsetting to me, I'm going to completely lose my shit because only I'm allowed to be a dick here.

"The issue of race/gender/religion is too prone to irrationality from ALL sides to have a serious discussion about it"

I am unable to talk about race/gender/religion without getting upset. I'm just going to project this onto everyone else so I can still convince myself that I'm a rational and level-headed human being.

"I just want to have an honest/calm/rational discussion about this"

I'm a bit insecure and uninformed when it comes to this particular subject, so I'm going to need you to just agree with everything I say.

"I'll pray for you"

Fuck you.

"We can just agree to disagree"

Seriously. Fuck you.

"Sweetie/Honey/Dear/Kitten/Darling"

Fuck you. Bitch.

"Well, as we all know Aristotle/Locke/Machiavelli/Hobbes/Hitchens/ said..."

I read a book once in high school and the dude that wrote it and became famous and died totally agrees with me. I WIN

"I don't like your tone"

It's really rude for you to have opinions of your own instead of just agreeing with mine, Miss. But if you must do this, at the very least start using winky emoticons and "LOL" after everything you type so that you appear to be a thirteen year old girl and my intelligence won't be as threatened.

"With all due respect..."

I don't respect you.

"No offense, but..."

This is really offensive, but you are not allowed to react as though it is.

"These culture war issues are just meant to distract people from what is really important"

Do we really need to deal with your stupid civil rights and liberties right now when they are trying to raise the sales tax by a fourth of a cent?

"I'm just being objective/logical/factual"

I'm so convinced of my own self-righteousness at this point that it's probably a huge waste of time trying to convince me otherwise.

"Google it"

Even though I'm the one making it, I can't support my own argument. I was hoping you can?

"God is great"

I'm a condescending jackass that needs to push my personal moral system on you so that I can feel superior over you.

"God is not great"

I'm a condescending jackass that needs to push my personal moral system on you so that I can feel superior over you.

"I debate a lot online. I find it to be excellent mental exercise, and I think it helps me from becoming an arrogant jackass."

I'm going to assign some higher intellectual meaning to my behavior rather then admitting that I don't really have a life.