Friday, April 22, 2011

I guess the only logical conclusion is that I'm a dude

Doop-de-doo, surfin' the internets. Wonder what magical things I'll find on the inter...OH MY GOD WHAT SORT OF PAGE-VIEW WHORING FUCKERY IS THIS

I'd rather my man paid for sex than had an affair... a deeply provocative but thought-provoking confession

Thank god she tells us that it's gonna be deeply provocative but thought-provoking right off the bat. I mean, at first, I was like, dude, this doesn't seem very provocative or provoking at all (good lord, does the daily mail not have editors?) but then I scrolled back up, and I was all, Oh! My bad, it's totally provocative and provoking. Know how I know? Says so in the title.

I’m not here to debate whether or not the rich and famous should be able to keep some vestiges of their lives private. But I am here to say something quite controversial.

Yeah, I got that from the disclaimer in your title. Let's just get to it, lady. I don't have all day. What scandalous, internets-shaking revelation do you have for us? I'm quaking with anticipation.

I believe that sex with a prostitute doesn’t really, in the greater scheme of things, matter one jot.

Oh. Well... I mean, oh.

Yes, of course it’s seedy, it’s exploitative, demeaning and risky healthwise, but as far as damage to a relationship goes, I believe an affair is so much worse than your husband sleeping with a prostitute.

Because really, what's worse then finding out that not only does your husband see women as disposable cum-dumpsters to be purchased for his sexual enjoyment, but you also have herpes because he straight up lied about that whole "we don't need protection if we're monogamous, baby!"?

I'll tell you. It's that he might actually see women as people he could form an actual relationship with.

An affair means he loves someone else more than he loves you. An affair means a man is intimate with another woman — and by this I don’t mean sex. They read together in bed, they share poetry, they giggle and they talk. They share memories.

I mean, it's not the sex, or the deceit, it's that he might actually like and respect the person he's fucking. THE HORROR

I am now going to write something that will enrage feminists the world over, and provoke an outraged backlash in the columns of online feminist website Jezebel

Ha ha feminists, she's totally tied your hands here. It's kind of like when I was talking to my buddy the other day, and I told him that I was about to punch him in the face and it would totally piss him off, and so I punched him in the face, and he was like, totally pissed off, but I was all "Ha! You have fallen into my trap. I already said you'd get pissed off if I punched you in the face, and you did. Therefore, your point about how shitty it was for me to hit you is irrelevant".

It's the best logic ever.

(which already has an entire section that monitors me, entitled Keeping Up With Jones).

So I figured, shit, I need some page views. Why don't I post a bunch of nonsense since I know I'm guaranteed to be linked to by Jezebel? Dolla dolla bills y'all.

What I have to say makes a mockery of all those glossy magazine features telling us how to ‘get that multiple orgasm’.

I'd say most people over the age of say, 15 are in agreement that those magazines already make a pretty good mockery of themselves, but okay.

I don’t believe women are like characters in Sex And The City.

Yeah! Take that, feminists! In your face! In your face!

We don’t shout and writhe and pursue sex as heartily and relentlessly as men do. It does not occupy our every waking moment.

She may have a point here. I honestly don't know any women whose mad writhing skills gets them laid on a regular basis.

The truth is: we don’t really enjoy sex that much.

Wait, what?

And we definitely don’t want sex as often as men do. That is a cold, hard fact.

I see what you did there.

And women most definitely, incontrovertibly, do not want sex once they have children

Which is why everyone only has one kid.

or so my friends who have children confess to me.

My friends agree with me. QED, motherfuckers.

Particularly once their stomachs develop a texture akin to cold porridge.

So in other words, women's body issues, which could be argued are brought about by statements on Daily Mail articles (and, you know, pretty much the whole of entertainment media) about how hideous they are after they give birth, may just interfere with their sex drive because they are too self-conscious about what a hideous cow they apparently are to be comfortable enough in their own skin to just enjoy the experience. Perhaps if we didn't promote such strict beauty standards for women, this would help with the problem.

Naw, how silly. Let's just assume that all women just don't like sex, instead.

The only reason we do have sex is to get a man, keep a man, steal his sperm and flatter ourselves that we are attractive.

Holy shit.

Once we have a man, his children, his name on a piece of paper, his youth and his house, we no longer want to indulge in that ridiculous, time-consuming, horizontal dance.

Also, the only reason there's a successful market for vibrators is because women often mistake them for bowling trophies and/or dog toys.

the millions of dishonest features in magazines like Cosmopolitan, have misled us.

Oh. My. God. Are you telling me, actually telling me, that it's not all about the taint? My life has been a lie.

We are not equal to men when it comes to libido. We grow up.

Unlike men, who apparently stay as idiot children.

I really can't understand why this woman's marriage fell through.

We have other priorities.

Like trolling Jezebel.

Sex slips onto a backburner, sliding to the bottom of an almost endless list of things to do that day.

Which might indicate that lower sex drives among women may be due to social conditions such as the lack of shared labor in things like child-rearing or homemaking which can tire a person out after also working a 40 hour week, as opposed to something innate in the female gender that dislikes sexual activity. But you know, let's not even consider that. It's not like there's a shit ton or research out there showing that yes, that's exactly the problem or anything.

It would be easy to write here that what women want, and enjoy, is the relationship — the love, companionship and closeness.

But I choose instead to take the more difficult road, like re-hashing tired themes about how women are frigid and men are animals, which just so happen to be common entertainment-fodder in sitcoms and link-baiting "articles".

Most of my friends find the men in their lives a mere annoyance to be hovered over, bossed, and moved around as we Hoover under their giant feet.

Well, I'm glad we are using them as a representative sample to prove the theory that women don't like sex, then.

When I used to creep upstairs to surprise my then-husband in his office, just so I could catch him watching porn and tell him off

Yeah. Really can't figure out what went wrong in this relationship here. I'm almost starting to feel bad for the guy.

he explained his compulsion thus: ‘Sex to men is like going to the lavatory. We have to do it.’

Okay, maybe not.

Well, charming. And not very romantic. But true.

Well then. I didn't realize that was so convincing, but if it is I'm totally using that logic when I inevitably get interventioned. "Drinking whiskey to me is like going to the lavatory. I have to do it. BECAUSE OF THE BIOLOGY."

I’d got married thinking this was it. It was going to be perfect: it was real love.

Real love = I slept with you before we got married in order to dupe you into marrying me. Now move your goddamned giant feet so I can Hoover around them, my darling yet incredibly infantile and stupid husband. Then read some poetry with me so I know you don't think I'm a hooker.

I would never dream of cheating on a man, not even with an indiscreet text message, a thought or a daydream.

Really? Yeah, got to call bullshit on that one. If thoughts and daydreams are cheating, I'm the whore of Babylon. Just sayin'.

I considered men who did so to be disgusting, weak, disloyal, dirty and disease- ridden. The truth is, they are just being men.

And I'm sure your outright hatred of men has nothing to do with your lack of desire to fuck them.

My husband admitted openly — in fact, wrote about it in his novel — that he had slept with a prostitute before we met. I found his candour refreshing, and I have to say that I found his high sex drive a turn-on, at first. Later, after a 12-hour day in the office, I found it annoying; yet another chore to be ticked off along with emptying the dishwasher.

Jesus woman. The correct answer is staring at you right. in. the. face.

He wrote to her in the exact same way he used to write to me, with lots of lower case kisses. Going through his wallet (I became crazy once I suspected he was fond of this one), I came across her passport photo. He stuck up for her, when he should have been sticking up for me.

And I was all, god damn you, I totally used to sleep with you, so now I own you for purposes of stealing your sperm and making me feel pretty. How dare you act like you still have some sort of free will that can reject the fulfillment I bring to your life?

I became obsessed with her. I went to her place of work in Manhattan, wanting to confront her (luckily, she was on holiday).

I would have confronted him, since he was the one that was, you know, lying and cheating on me, but hey - idiot child, remember? Poor thing can't help himself. And obviously, since women don't like sex all that much, this woman's goal was only to fuck me over. She must be destroyed.

I followed her on Facebook.

Facebook! For all your stalking needs.

I have a friend who works in book publishing. After the birth of her first child, the depression she had suffered on and off, since a teenager, returned with a vengeance. She kept on top of work, but she failed to keep on top of her husband — a nerdy chap who is a teacher in a tough, inner-city school.

I realize that their careers are not at all relevant to my point, but I had a word quota I needed to reach.

I decided to do some more research into the subject of men who stray. I asked seven of my girlfriends all of whom are either married or living with a man, when was the last time they had had sex.

Wow, seven of them this time?


One , a mum-of-four in her mid-40s, said she hadn’t had sex since her last child, who is now three, was born. She told me, laughing, that her husband had asked if they could go on a tantric sex weekend, and she had responded with a tart ‘**** off’.

I'd probably respond the same way. But that's more because of the "tantric" then the "sex" part that would do it. Because we can't all be Sting.

Another said she couldn’t remember when she had last done it with her husband.

Stop drinking?

Another said that she and her boyfriend had stopped having sex years ago, and it was only when, in tears, he threatened to leave her, that they broached the subject. He told her he felt ‘like we are best friends, or brother and sister, rather than lovers’.

Who... who does this? I'm not going to say I've never been in a rut, everyone has, but years? And you didn't talk about it at all? For years?

She told him she felt too overweight and unattractive to do it, and found, to her surprise, that he didn’t really care how she looked: he wanted, needed, to do it anyway. Once again, here was a woman who had bought into the fiction that we have to look perfect to be attractive to a man in bed.

Gosh, maybe that has something to do with the lack of sex rather then some mysterious gender-linked trait inherent in all women.

Each woman I spoke to said they put their children before their husband. Only one told me she tried to be as nice to her husband as she is to her female friends. So, what is a man to do?

Run far, far away from this woman and her friends.

Maybe, just maybe, they don’t want another relationship, to fall in love, because they don’t want to lose us, or their children, or their home.

Aw, poor things. Better to just stay together and cheat on your partner because dieing alone is scary.

(They probably don’t want another relationship where they are monitored within an inch of their lives, either.)

Gee, do you think that's why your own relationship... you know what? I can't do it anymore, guys, I just can't.

Yet I know women who don’t even want their men to fantasise, inside their own heads, about anyone other than them. It’s ridiculous.

But when I claim with a straight face that women like me don't fantasize because we are not "disgusting, weak, disloyal, dirty" beings like men, that's completely reasonable.

It’s a lie; our own perfect domestic fantasy that doesn’t exist except in books and movies.

And I'm just going to stop there, because the last few paragraphs are just about how she found out her dad watched a porn but her parent's marriage lasted 60 years anyhow because her mom was fine with it and she feels that was too forgiving even though she's pretty much spent the entire article making excuses as to why you should let your SO use alternative sexual outlets because men are uncontrollable animals and women should just get over that because they don't like sex anyway and to sum up, I really have no idea what point she's trying to make, perhaps it's "My marriage ended and I'm miserable here's some advice to sink your marriage too so I can pretend that this isn't somehow the fault of me or my ex but something that was out of my control plus I need more "friends" that are all bitter and hate men and sex for my "research" for my articles in the Daily Mail so I can write more "provocative" articles and troll Jezebel for page views".

I'd actually feel kind of bad for her if she wasn't trying to push her own relationship problems on the entire female gender instead of accepting who she is as an individual. What's odd is that she actually does stumble on some good points when it comes to why relationships fail - a lack of an equal division of labor, body issues, a naive notion of what love and attraction actually is, and ironically enough, the damage done by the idea that you can wholly possess a person, to the point where you police even their inner thoughts and desires.

And I have to wonder if that's not what's really freaking her out when it comes to the prostitute/willing affair aspect of this. If sex is nothing more then a commodity, to be purchased with money or the promise of marital commitment, then it is subject to control. But no matter what you do, not matter what factors you control for, you can never force someone to love you the most. Buying your partner some prostitutes isn't going to change that.

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