10 Things Right Wing Pundits Have Taught Me About the Madison Protests

Elections have consequences.

Wouldn't Democracy be just peachy if we could only find some way to prevent certain people from participating in it? Like these hippy infiltrators out in Madison, who just cannot accept that they weren't politically savvy enough to pick up on Governor Scott Walker's non-existent union-busting plan before they all voted him into office. He ran on fiscal responsibility, people. Everyone knows that means "I'm going to destroy unions", duh (liberals are so stupid). And they are completely wearing out their welcome now in the Governor's Palace State Capitol whining about how he isn't listening to the people, as if that mattered once you get elected. It's like these people think the Governor is a public servant that is supposed to work for them or something, and that the fact that poll after poll that shows the growing disapproval rating of the governor or the public siding again and again with the unions should make him rethink putting his own personal agenda over what is best for the state. Obviously, these people don't know how democracy works.

But only when Republicans win them.

But do you know who does understand Democracy? The Tea Party. Remember back when that Kenyan Muslim Socialist stole the presidential election with ACORN and the opposing party said "Sorry America, our bad" and slunk quietly off into that good night? Of course you don't! Know why? Because the real patriots of America stood up and said "Not so fast with your whole 'reforming health care' thing, dude that ran a strong campaign and won on reforming health care!" And true to their word, they sacrificed it all to come out by the hundreds (so long as food was provided) to wear funny hats and yell about how they don't understand why the opinons of people that aren't Tea Partiers count at all and then were home in time to watch Bill O'Reilly.

When Republican abuse congressional loopholes to appease the minority, it's Democracy in action. When Democrats abuse congressional loopholes to appease the majority, it's thwarting Democracy in action.

As the representatives of true America, Republicans have made painful sacrifices to stave off this injustice of not being in the majority by doing things like placing anonymous holds and filibusters on pretty much every bill in congress before they left early to start their golf weekend. Some may point out that this was a cynical abuse of existing parliamentary rules, but when protecting the people from the very policies the majority of them supported, sometimes representatives have to fight dirty. Compare this to the lazy workings of the Wisconsin State Democrats, who are supporting the tyranny of the majority by doing trivial things like leaving their homes and their families to whoop it up over on the borders of Illinois and Indiana, which we all know are major party hotspots. So make no mistake - The Republican habit of abusing the filibuster on the federal level cannot possibly be compared to the dirty tricks of the Wisconsin Senate Democrats, who fled the state to avoid a quorum. For one, "quorum" and "filibuster" aren't the same word. You can tell because one starts with a "q". Also too, one was on the federal level, and one on the state level. So they are completely different, people.

The protests in Madison are exactly like the protests in Egypt.

Because Americans are more important then everyone else in the world, it's important to take global events and frame them in a way that is relevant to Americans so that they might be a little bit interested in it. So naturally, when the protests in Madison first hit their stride, there were comparisons. And rightly so. For instance, one similarity was that everything in Egypt and Madison were going just fine until a few outside professional trouble-makers decided they should actually have a say in what their dear leader should do. And in both situations, we know that the protests were filled with violence and destruction, because the leaders who were being challenged by the people told us so, and it's not like there's a history of those in power to lie and smear their own people in order to discredit the grassroots organization against them. So obviously this situation is an exact parallel to.... wait, what do you mean Mubarak wasn't the good guy? Never mind. Let's move on.

If someone has ever given money to cancer research, then you can't ever say anything bad about them.

Everyone knows that the real victims of this whole Madison massacre are the nation's beloved Koch brothers, who have been smeared by the mainstream media CNN some obscure news outlet run out of someone's basement somewhere. But do you ever hear about how these selfless servants of the people do so many things that are great for the nation, like give money to cancer research? Sure, maybe it's to literally save your own ass, but still, when you give money to cancer research, that automatically cancels out everything else you've ever done. Okay, maybe you hear about it in the New York Times, but anywhere else? Okay maybe on Fox News or in Reason Magazine, but anywhere else? Of course not, all you hear from the whiners is "Oh they are Birchers" and "Oh they want to destroy the quality of life for American workers" or "Oh they spread misinformation about climate change" and such. But you know what? So what if they are self-serving assholes that dupe people into thinking they are grassroots populist heroes? We all know that greed is a virtue as long as you aren't a teacher (more on that soon). And really, if we can't spend a bunch of corporate money to purchase elections and then sit back and wait as our shiny new politician sells us the public's property for pennies and gives us tax cuts at the expense of the middle class, then what is democracy good for, really? Maybe if you wanted a say in your country, you should have inherited a shit-ton of money from your dad, too.

Teachers are the most privileged people in our society

It's true, the people that teach your kids are greedy little bastards who, when forced to purchase basic supplies for their students because the district has no money to provide basic necessities, always go with the cheap scratchy toilet paper. And really teachers, no one is buying this lie that you might have this strange thing you call PTO time, or that you might have time after work or on Saturdays to show up to protests to protect the interests of your colleagues and your students. Don't get me wrong, greed is normally considered a virtue in America, because it really turns on women in Ayn Rand novels. Plus, without greed, we would never have an abundance of business majors that perform such important services like gambling other people's money on the predicted values of commodities or figuring out new ways to bundle mortgage shitpiles so that they appear to be profitable investments. Obviously, these people need to be wooed in with the promise of ridiculous wealth, because if not, they might refuse to blow up bubbles and then demand a taxpayer handout when things predictably go horribly wrong! But the people that teach our children? Seriously, fuck them. It's not like we should offer pensions and job security for a job that actually pays less than a basic baby-sitter or anything. How hard could it be dealing with all of the issues with America's youth? And if you do find it hard, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time giving a shit about the next generation, or drink on the job, and it would be easier (Plus the worse you do, the easier it is for me to claim you are doing a shitty job and we should just get rid of you!). And let's be honest - Obviously being an educator, a counselor, a trusted guide, an inspiration, a bookkeeper, a mediator, and a babysitter takes no effort on anyone's part and is nothing more than a lazy, sweet-ass job. Anyone can read answers out of the teacher's textbook edition, so why offer perks for that sort of thing? Your gravy train is over, teachers.

American workers are the most violent people in our society and we should really bust their heads open to teach them a lesson.

You know what Madison has been rife with? Violence. Hatey-hateful bullhorn violence. Towards Fox News members. I mean, how can one explain away the pain of being told that "Fox News Lies" when all Fox news wants to do is pretend that shoulder taps are equivalent to being punched in the head or reverse poll results to make it look like the majority of the country agrees with Fox News? They are just trying to do the jobs they were hired to do, people. Which is lie. So stop pointing that out and hurting their feelings. And if you don't, well then you just deserve to be shot, don't you? After all, you struck first by making that bitch-face at that reporter. We are just protecting ourselves against your extreme hostility. We all know that the real bullies in this situation are the ones without authority. Sure, maybe Scott Walker is in a position of power and is using it to do things like violate court orders, threatening mass layoffs, or taking away the Democrat's sweet parking spaces. But you know who the real bullies are? Regular people that aren't in the most powerful position in the state with mean signs, that do things like stand there, and hold up their mean signs:


Just cruel.

If Beyonce doesn't show up to your protest, it doesn't mean shit.

The guitarist from Rage Against the Machine? Please. Give me a call when your silly liberal protests start pulling in real talent, like former 90s SNL star Victoria Jackson or former 70s one-hit-wonder Ted Nugent.

Union Workers are too biased to have their opinions heard.

Union workers are completely biased. You can tell because whenever you ask them about the union, they always have fairly decent things to say about it and never say "please take away that pension I've been working my whole life for" like rational people would. It's absurd that we'd actually let union members partake in polls about unions. Or allow them on news shows to talk about being in a union. They are so biased that they even suckered in the police and firefighters unions, who are fighting for them even though we assured them that we weren't going to take away their collective bargaining rights, because they vote Republican! Or used to, anyway. It's like people think that there's some rational motivation behind keeping public employees content, or something. But I for one am so tired of people that have an agenda other than "Morality and importance should be assigned based on your checking account balance" being allowed to voice their opinion! This madness needs to stop. Obviously, the people that have no opinion (which means of course, that they hate unions), are the only ones whose opinion should be taken seriously.

Wisconsin has Palm Trees.

Oh come on. After all the accurate information you have been given, who are you really going to believe. Fox News, or your lying eyes?