Friday, December 3, 2010

Don't Make Boehner Angry. You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry.

Oh hey! Guess who's all butthurt again about that fact that sometimes Democrats are actually still in congress and, you know, do stuff?

No. Guess again. And shame on you. She's a child.

Ding ding ding! That's right, we've all made Orangey McGee cry again because he is madder then hell that the Democrats might actually push something through the House that he doesn't personally like. He's so mad that he's tempted to use vulgarities to express just how really friggin' mad he is, so you best fetch your smelling salts before you read the ultimate smackdown on Democrat foolishness:

"I'm trying to catch my breath so I don't refer to this maneuver going on today as chicken crap, all right," the top-ranking House Republican said sarcastically, "but this is nonsense! We're 23 months from the next election and the political games have already started trying to set up the next election.

"We have an honest conversation at the White House about the challenges that we face to get out of here. ... And to roll this vote out today, it really is just ... it's what you think I was going to say," he said.

Oooo! You're in deep shit now, Demoncrats! Wait... "Chicken Crap"? Really dude?

Whatever. Anyway, Boehner's has a major sad because a wrench has been thrown into his bipartisany politicking. See, everything was going so well with his dealmaking with Obama and Co., in which Democrats will give anything and their grandmother so that Republicans can scream "syke!" and get their Bush Tax Cuts extended for the rich folks forever and ever. Perfection, and then sure enough, comes that damn Hell-Fire Pelosi to fuck everything up by actually acting like a leader and not sitting in a corner weeping silently while congressional aides throw spitballs at her like you are supposed to do, Pelosi. So as a result, Middle Class tax cuts passed the House, people. And now Republicans might have to argue keeping wasteful tax cuts for the wealthy that haven't done a damn thing for the economy on the merits of "Rich people rule, poor people drool" instead of just holding the rest of the country hostage for them. So unfair.

Harry Reid is also giving at least the illusion of playing hard ball with this issue, which means he will issue some sternly worded letters and frown a lot before he folds completely. And if he doesn't, we are in luck: Mitch McConnell has announced it dead on arrival in the Senate, as he has all 42 Republican senators sworn to vote against it. Which means it has no chance of passing, because to use something like reconciliation for this issue would be a low down dirty act that only the crappiest of people would ever attempt.

But back to Boehner and his hurt feelings: Why, Democrats, must you ruin the integrity of the congress with this vile act? Things were going so well and bi-partisany! Like when Obama screwed over federal workers in the name of sacrifice and the Republicans responded in kind by sacrificing some of their own priorities, like allowing the Democrats to pass legislation this session, allowing low-income children to eat lunch at school, or allowing the currently unemployed to keep up with their utility bills this Christmas. That's three (and counting) sacrifices for the price of one! How could you possibly turn your back on this wicked eleventy-thousand-dimensional chess Obama was working on?

Shame on you, Democrats. See, we need to freeze salaries and cut unemployment benefits to reduce that deficit that no one actually cares about. I supposed some could argue that keeping the high end tax cut would add trillions to our debt, but it's worth it because JOBS! And I'm sure that even though those tax cuts never created any job during the Bush years like they were supposed to, they will now with 9.8% unemployment and expiring unemployment benefits, because businesses with no customers will have the incentive to hire people to stare at the wall.

So to ask the rich to sacrifice the tax cut on their income above the amount that they are already getting a tax cut on? No way. And in case the waste and uselessness of these tax cuts aren't enough of an argument for you, won't you think of the will of the American people? After all, Republicans have assured us that the last election showed there is mandate on tax cuts, because don't we all remember the 2010 election, and how tax cuts were the most important issue for voters after jobs, health care, jobs, the war, jobs, low voter turnout, jobs, dissatisfaction with Obama, and jobs? Sure, polls consistently show the mandate does not actually exist and the overwhelming majority of people don't want to expand useless and wasteful tax cuts, but Republicans won the election, and obviously they did so because the public was able to read their minds and know that this would be the major issue they would push for.

But all in all, the drama is unnecessary because the White House will set this injustice straight by screwing over the Democrats in congress and their constituency by staying the course in their bi-partisan goals. This has worked out very well for them in the past, as we know from the last election. It's a brilliant move: By extending those olive branches to the Republicans, the Republicans wouldn't dare turn around and blame the Democrats for the utter failure of the economy, as that would be rude and unseemly, something the Republicans never are. It's not like trying to create a worse environment for the 2012 "Palinpalooza" election is their goal, or anything.

So relax, Boehner. Obama has promised you that he was wrong in not folding to you guys completely in the past, and he's learned from that. And he knows that gesture of goodwill will pay off in the future, when you join him in this national sacrifice by cutting entitlements to your own voter base, right? Guys?

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