Friday, February 18, 2011

Fun with Google Analytics and H*rny Chr*stians

It's been a rough couple of weeks, yeah? Odd that a month ago I was wondering what I could blog about and now it's just coming too fast for me to keep up with. So this is just something that has been amusing me for a while, and I've been kicking around this post for a few months now, figured since I don't want this blog to be all doom all the time, I'd finally just post and share it.

So - My favorite thing about Google Analytics is the traffic search keywords. For this blog, they are pretty tame - my favorite is probably "[name withheld] is an asshole", because really, who searches for that? Like someone is just sitting around all "Man, that dude is such an asshole! Imma google it and see if anyone else agrees with me". I've never told them, either. Thought it might hurt their feelings (Don't worry, it wasn't you). And for the record, people that searching for "spackle smell"? I apologize. I have no idea why google feels a need to send you here, or why so few people blog about the smell of spackle.

But Newsvine, where I used to write, is a different story. See, even though I haven't written for Newsvine for over two years now, my column is still active and I have Analytics tracking it. Amazingly enough, I still get quite a few hits on it. Enough so that I can safely say that my Newsvine Column still kicks this little blog's ass on a regular basis. I mean, damn. There is something to say about that level of exposure. I'm still not sure if I miss it or not.

Anyway, my insanely overblown ego would love to believe this is a result of Viners missing having me around, and checking the column occasionally. Or perhaps newer readers have grown an appreciation for my mad debate skillz, and are checking out my stuff for the first time.

But sadly for my ego, this is not the case. You want to know why people are still visiting my column even after two years of inactivity? Google Analytics holds the answer:

This goes on for about 48 more pages.

So, yep. So after all the flame-wars and debates, all the painstaking research into social issues, health issues, political issues, etc, after writing my little heart out, fighting tooth and nail in comment sections, and devoting pretty much more of my life then I'd care to admit to that particular column, my legacy comes down to this: Pervy* Christians looking for certain sexual/punishing acts of dominance (or the spiritual justification for participating in them) are apparently my biggest fans.

And it wasn't even an article, either. It was a seed. But thanks for the pennies anyway, I suppose. They do add up. So let that be a lesson to everyone, if you want to increase your web traffic, just blog about this particular subject, which I will not actually name because goddammit, I don't want those types of hits here.

* Not that there's anything wrong with being pervy. At all. Seriously. It's a good thing in most cases. But if I recall correctly, the article wasn't really regarding the fun type of that particular act, it was more of a 'How can I beat the hell out of my wife with a belt while still being a good Christian (and by the way if I can get off on even if she doesn't even better)' type of act. Which I gave them some shit for. Which probably explains that the average time on the site is about 19 seconds. I don't think they were looking for a scolding. And now I'm getting all gloomy and doomy again. Sorry.

** In all fairness, I should point out that this is probably my Newsvine legacy. It has come back up for two years in a row now. And years after it was posted, I still had someone show up to inform me that it needed to be "unchecked from all of Newsvine", which is just awesome.


Eric said...

My most trafficked article these days is that 10 most overrated bands ever one, which is cool because I didn't do a whole lot of work there. It's mostly other peoples' words.

Stacy said...

Aw, I remember those, that was fun. Especially with Walt jumping in here and there and calling people morons for not knowing who a band was. That was before the site had an actual poll feature, wasn't it? I seem to remember those articles having just tons of comments because of that.